535 




T. S. DENISCW a COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS CHICAGO 



=J 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. 
Price 15c each. Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 8 8 

Abbu San of Old Japan, 2 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 15 

After the Game, 2 acts, 1^ 

hrs (25c) 1 9 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 4 4 

All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 

214 hrs (2Sc) 6 10 

American Hustler, 4 acts, lYi 

hrs (25c) 7 4 

As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 

2y^ hrs (25c) 9 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 214 hrs (25c) 6 14 

Bank Cashier, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 8 4 

Black HeifeJT, 3 acts, 2 h. (2Sc) 9 3 
Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, 1^ hrs. 

(25c) 17 

Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2;4 

hrs. (25c) 7 3 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Burns Rebellion, 1 hr....(25c) 8 5 
Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2^ h. (25c) 7 4 
Civil Service, 3 acts, 2y^ hrs. 

(25c) 6 5 

College Town, 3 acts, 2^ 

hrs (25c) 9 8 

Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs.. 7 4 
Daughter of the Desert, 4 

acts, 214 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 214 hrs. 

(25c) 5 5 

Deacon Entangled, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 6 4 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2 '4 

hrs (25c) 8 4 

Dream That Came True, 3 

acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr, ...(25c) 10 
Enchanted Wood, 1-X^ h.(35c).Optnl. 
Every>'outh, 3 acts, 1 1/^ h. (25c) 7 6 
Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 4 4 

Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

IVz hrs (25c) 9 14 

Heiress of Hoetown, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 8 4 

Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 acts, 

2 hrs. (25c) 3 5 

High School Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 12 

Honor of a Cowboy, 4 acts, ly^ 

hrs (25c) 13 4 

Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 



M. F. 

In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2;4 

hrs (25c) 6 4 

Iron Hand, 4 acts, 2 hrs.. (25c) 5 4 
Jayville Junction, ly^ hrs. (25c) 14 17 
Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 

214 hrs (25c) 10 9 

Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts, IVa, hrs (25c) 6 12 

Laughing Cure, 2 acts, 1^ hrs. 

(25c) 4 5 

Lexington, 4 acts, 2^4 h. .(25c) 9 4 
Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2^ hrs. 

CSc) 7 4 

Lodge of Kye Tyes, 1 hr.(25c)13 
Man from Borneo, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sc) 5 2 

]\rirandy's Minstrels (25c) Optn! 

Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 

acts, 21^4 hrs (25c) 4 7' 

New Woman, 3 acts, 1 hr.... 3 6 
Old Maid's Club, IJ/^ hrs. (25c) 2 16 
Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 8 6 

Old School at Ilick'ry Holler, 

Wa hrs (25c) 12 9 

On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 

21^ hrs (25c) 10 4 

Out in the Streets, 3 acts, 1 hr. 6 4 
Parlor Matches, 2 acts, iVz hrs. 

(25c) 4 5 

Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 4 4 

Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2^/^ h.(25c) 7 4 

Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 10 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2^ 

hrs (25c) 10 12 

Savageland, 2 acts, 2;4 hrs. (50c) 5 5 
School Ma'am, 4 acts, l-}4 hrs. 6 5 
Scrap of Paper, 3 acts, 2 hrs.. 6 6 
Sewing for the Heathen, 40 min. 9 
Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 7 

Star Bright, 3 acts, 2^ h. ("5c) 6 5 
Teacher, Kin I Go Home? 2 

scenes, 35 min 7 3 

Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Thread of Destiny, 3 acts, 2J4 

hrs (25c) 9 16 

Tonv, the Convict, 5 acts, 2 ',4 

'hrs (25c) 7 4 

Town Marshal, 4 acts, 2 '4 

hrs (25c) 6 3 

Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 2^ hrs. 

(25c) 6 18 

Trip to Storyland, VA hrs. (25c) 17 23 
Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2^ hrs. (25c) 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 7 10 

Under the Laurels, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 
When the Circus Came to 

Town, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. (25c) 5 3 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 



AN ENTERTAINMENT 

FOR FOURTEEN MALES AND ELEVEN FEMALES 



BY 

JESSIE A. KELLEY 

AUTHOR OF 

'Peddler's Parade," "Village Post Office," "Scenes in a Restaurant, 

"Miss Prim's Kindergarten," "Taking the Census in Bing- 

villc," "The Rummage Sale," "Reminiscences of the 

Donation Party," "Mrs. Jenkins^ Brilliant 

Idea," etc., etc. 




CHICAGO 
S. DENISON & COMPANY 
Publishers 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 



Mr. Wise School Principal 

Doctor Solomon School Physician 

Miss Hobson School Nurse 

Miss Prim Teacher 

Mr. Knowitali Janitor 

Mr. Haulemin Truant Officer 

Tony Fr^iit Dealer 

Jerry Expressman 

Mrs. Shimelovitch 

Mrs. Littlewit Parents 

Mrs. O'Flannigan 

Mrs. Voluble Grandparent 

Rachel Shimelovitch. 
Ikey Shimelovitch. . . . 
Bridget O'Flannigan. . 
Patrick O'Flannigan. . 

Tommy Terror 

Susie Dauby P >, 7 

Amy Littlewit > fupils 

Fatty Drake 

Rastus Jones (colored). 

Silas Shrewd 

Grace Brown 

John Speecher 

Peter Stuffer 



Place — The School Principal's Office. 



Time of Playing — About One Hour and Thirty Minutes. 



Note. — The cast is elastic and more characters could be easily 
introduced. Drills, recitations, etc., may be added according to the 
talent available. 

If all the characters are taken by prominent or elderly people 
it will add greatly to the fun and absurdity of the entertainment. 



COPYRIGHT, 1917, BY EBEN H. NORRIS. h y%, 



©Cl.D 46693 

m 18 1917 







"1^ \ 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 



INTRODUCTION. 



Read the entire entertainment carefully before assigning 
the parts to the different characters. This is essential to the 
success of the piece, as the person who would be a star in 
one part might be a failure in another, and vice versa. A 
woman could take the part of the teacher if desired. If 
fewer characters are wanted, it will be found very easy to 
arrange for some to take two or more parts or to omit some. 
Wherever possible have some one used to reciting to take 
Mrs. Voluble's .part, and have her act it out. This can be 
made a great laugh producer if well done. 

If John Speecher wants a "smarty" piece, he might use 
"The Wish of the Small Boy" in The Friday Afternoon 
Speaker. "If George Had Been Like Me" in Scrap Book 
Recitations No. 15 is a good selection. (Price of either 
book, 25 cents, postpaid, from T. S. Denison & Company, 
publishers.) Any simple, childish piece will do if he wants 
something to stumble over. 

Mrs. Voluble's speech on page 19 is an adaptation of 
an old recitation. 

More pieces can readily be added ; also more victrola or 
other musical selections. 

While the pupils in the office should be continually in mis- 
chief, thus creating amusement, care must be taken to do 
everything quietly in order that the rest of the program 
may be followed by the audience. Don't hurry. Take time 
to act out everything and give the audience time to appre- 
ciate everything. 



COSTUMES. 

Childish costumes, the more ridiculous the better, may be 
used for the pupils, who are, of course, grown-ups dressed 
as children. 

Mrs. O'Flannigan — Wears old patched calico wrapper 
with sleeves rolled . up above elbows, shawl thrown over 



4 HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 

head. Her hair should be drawn tightly back from her 
forehead and arranged in a hard protruding knot behind. 

Mrs. Shimelovitch — A grotesque costume, old-fashioned 
coat, either much too large or too small, hat with straight, 
stringy, ragged plumes, etc. 

Mrs. Voluble — Elderly woman's costume ; bonnet, shawl, 
spectacles, etc. 

Mrs. Littlewit — Rather showy, giddy dress. 

School nurse in nurse's uniform. 

By a little thought suitable costumes can readily be ar- 
ranged for the different characters, as the costuming is all 
very easy and everything necessary can be procured without 
expense. 



STAGE ARRANGEMENT. 

The stage arrangement is very simple, even a curtain not 
being necessary. A desk on which is a telephone, or some- 
thing to represent a telephone, some writing material, a few 
chairs around the room, a bookcase or shelves filled with 
books, paper, boxes of pencils, etc., a large basket filled with 
books on the floor, and something on wall to represent a 
speaking tube, are all that is necessary. 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 



Scene: Office of the School Principal. 

Wise {at telephone). Yes, yes. Allen School? Yes. 
{Pause.) Children have been running over your lawn? 
{Pause.) Were saucy when you spoke to them? {Pause.) 
Yes. Do you know who they were? {Pause.) You haven't 
any idea, but want me to find out. {Pause.) Yes, yes. 
Remember we have hundreds of children here, but I'll in- 
vestigate. {Pause.) Yes, I'll try. Good-bye. {Hangs up 
receiver. Telephone immediately rings.) Holloa! {Pause.) 
Yes. {Pause.) A meeting of all the teachers at the super- 
intendent's office at four. {Pause.) Yes, I'll notify all the 
teachers. {Pause.) Yes ; good-bye. {Hangs up receiver.) 

Amy Littlewit comes slozvly into the office zvith dozvn- 
cast head and finger in mouth. 

Amy. Teacher sent me to you. {Begins to cry.) 

Wise. Well, what have you been doing that she sent you 
to me? 

Amy {digging her hands into her eyes and whimpering) . 
Please, sir. I didn't do nothin'. I only jest got here. 

Wise {taking out watch). Just got here! Twe.nty min- 
utes past nine ! You were tardy again ? 

Amy. Y-y-e-e-s, sir. 

Wise. What made you late? 

Amy {still crying). 'Cause I didn't get here sooner. 

Wise. But why didn't you get here sooner? 

Amy {sobbing and wiping nose on sleeve). 'Cause I 
didn't come earlier. 

Wise. But why didn't you come earlier? What reason 
did you have for not starting earlier? 

Amy {crying very hard). I — don't — w-w-ant t-to t-t-ell. 

Wise. You must tell me. {Pause.) What was the 
reason you didn't start sooner? (Amy begins to howl. 

5 



6 HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 

Wise puts hand on Amy's shoulder.) Amy, stop crying im- 
mediately and tell me why you were late. 

Amy {holding up head rather defiantly). Well, if you've 
got to know, I had to stay home till mother cut her bunions. 

Wise {in surprised tone). Stay home till your mother 
cut her bunions ! I should think she could cut her bunions 
without keeping you home and making you have a tardy 
mark. 

Amy. She couldn't go to the door barefoot, could she? 

Wise. She wouldn't have to go to the door, would she? 

Amy. Yes, she would. It was most time for the post- 
man, and ma wants to be sure to see all the mail first. 
There's two other families live in the house with us and 
ma's always first at the door so she can see it all, and I had 
to watch for him and grab it quick and take it in to show 
her before the other folks got there. 

Wise. You tell your teacher you are to stay after school 
half an hour tonight, and I want you to bring a note from 
your mother this afternoon. 

Amy. Mrs. Smith gave me a note to give you. {After 
much hunting in pocket, hag, etc., she hands out a very dirty 
note on a torn piece of brozvn paper.) 

Wise. Thank you. Go back to your room now. (Amy 
goes out. Wise reads note aloud.) "Dear Mum — Please 
excus Johnny today he wont be to school, he is actin' as 
timekeeper to his father. Las night you giv him this ixam- 
ple. if a field is four miles squar how long will it take a 
man walkin three mile an hour to walk two and a haf times 
round it. Johnny aint no man so we hed to send his father. 
They started early this mornin an my husband sed they ot 
to git through by night though its hard goin. will you pleas 
mak the next ixample about womin as my husband cant 
afiford to lose no days work. I don't hev no time to loaf 
myself but I kin spare a day off onct in awhile better 
than my husband kin. respectfully yours. Mrs. Smith." 
{Laughs — looks over note again.) Johnny ought to get one 
hundred in that problem. 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 7 

Enter Miss Prim. 

Miss Prim {zvkh coat on, very sarcastic tone). Mr. 
Wise, do you think it would be possible to have a little heat 
in my room? I'm almost frozen. 

Wise {stepping to speaking tube and hlozuing). Mr. 
Knowitall, Miss Prim says her room is cold. Can't you 
send some heat in there? {To Miss Prim.) Here is a note 
Mrs. Smith sent. John is absent today, isn't he? 

Miss Prim. Yes, he is. 

Wise. This explains his absence. Better not make the 
problems so hard next time. {Laughs.) 

Miss Prim {reading note with disgusted manner). Just 
like them. None of the family have any brains. If teach- 
ers could only supply brains they might do something. 

Janitor enters. 

Janitor {crankily). I've just looked in your room, Miss 
Prim, and it's warm enough for anybody. Some folks aren't 
happy unless they're finding fault. Open all the windows 
then expect it to be up to ninety. 

Miss Prim {snappishly). It's not warm enough for me 
and you let my plants freeze last night. {Goes hack to 
room.) 

Janitor {pointing after her zvith thumb). She's a tender 
old bird, she is. Too bad she didn't freeze instead of the 
plants. Say, Mr. Wise, if flesh is grass, as the Scripture 
says, where does that put her? 

Wise. If flesh is grass where does that put her? 
{Pause.) Why, I'm sure I don't know. 

Janitor. In the baled hay class, of course. {Chuckles 
and goes out.) 

Grace Brown enters. 

Wise. Good morning. Are you a new pupil? 

Grace. Yes, sir. 

Wise. Have you just moved into the district? 

Grace. Yes, sir. 

Wise. Been vaccinated? 



8 HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 

Grace. Yes, sir; here's my c'tlficate. {Hands Wise a 
card. ) 

Wise. What grade are you in? 

Grace. Third grade. 

Wise (zuriting). What is your name? 

Grace. Grace Brown. 

Wise. Your mother's name. 

Grace. Mrs. Allen. 

Wise. How does it happen your mother's name is Allen 
and your name is Brown? 

Grace {thoughtfully). I don't know. (Pauses.) Oh, 
yes, I do, too. You see my mother married again and I 
didn't. 

Wise (laughing). I guess that explains it all right. 
(Grace suddenly begins to cry.) What is the matter? 
Don't cry. I think you will like to come here to school. 
(Grace still sobs.) What is the trouble? Are you sick? 

Grace. N-no. I — j-just re-mem-bered that I forgot to 
bring my excuse for being born. 

Wise. Forgot to bring your excuse for being born ! 
What do you mean, child? 

Grace. My excuse for being born. Don't you know 
them cards they give you when you change schools ? 

Wise (thinks). I wonder if you mean the hfe card. 
(Goes to box takes out a card, reads.) Sarah Green, Par- 
ents John and Susan Green. Born January 7, 1907. (To 
Grace.) Like that, did you mean? 

Grace. Yes, that's it and I forgot to bring it. 

Wise. It will be all right if you bring it tomorrow. 
Now, I'll take you into Miss Austin's room. (Goes out 
with Grace.) 

Fatty Drake comes in with books, looks around. 

Fatty. Gee, the old guy ain't here. (Begins to dance 
around and laugh.) Good mind to skidoo and play hookey. 
By golly, I'm a-goin ter. (Starts for door.) 

Mr. Wise enters, Fatty immediately looks very solemn. 

Wise (sternly). What, you here again? You are sent 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 9 

here almost every day. Why don't you behave yourself? 
{Gives Fatty a shake.) What's the trouble this time? 

Fatty. Teacher sent me here to study and to show you 
these 'xamples in 'rithmetic. (Hands Mr. Wise a paper 
with examples on it. Wise looks over the paper.) 

Wise. These are wrong — every one of them. Can't you 
do any better than that ? What is the trouble, anyway ? 

Fatty {puts hands in pockets, stands first on one foot, 
then on other, looks very stupid). I dunno. I worked 
orful hard before I could even get them all wrong. 

Wise. I never saw such a stupid boy. What was your 
head made for, anyway? 

Fatty {scratching head). Er — er — er — to hold my hat 
on, I think, sir. 

Wise. I am going to give you a problem that a six-year- 
old child ought to be able to solve. Now listen and see if 
you can't give me the correct answer. 

Fatty. Yes. sir. {Listens intently.) 

Wise. If your mother wants to boil eggs for breakfast 
and she has just seven eggs and three of them break, how 
many can she boil? 

Fatty {squirms, wiggles, puts hand to head as if think- 
ing deeply). Will you please say it agin, Mr. Wise, and I 
guess I kin git it. I almost did that time. 

Wise. If your mother wants to boil eggs for breakfast 
and has just seven in the house and accidentally breaks 
three of them, how many can she boil? 

Fatty {gleefully). I've got it! I've got It, Mr. Wise. 

Wise. That's good. I'm glad you can do something. 
Tell me your answer. 

Fatty. She wouldn't boil none. She'd scramble them 
all. 

Wise {sternly). Take your books and sit down in that 
corner and study. 

Fatty {stupidly). Wasn't that answer right, Mr. Wise? 

Wise. Sit down and go to studying. (Fatty sits down 
with book and pretends to study.) 

Tony, the fruit dealer, enters. 



10 HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 

Tony. Ees thees de man that keep th.ees schoola? 

Wise. Yes, what can I do for you? 

Tony (many gestures). Bad boys thees schoola. Dey 
squeeza and pmcha my fruit. Dey taka pear and do deesa 
way. (Pinches finger and thumb together as if trying soft- 
ness of fruit.) Dey taka apple and peacha data way. Dey 
maka them to rot. Dey spoila mucha my fruit. 

Wise. Why don't you put up a sign telling them not to ? 

Tony (gestures). I deed. I deed; but it do no good. 
I put up sign say, if you must pincha de fruit pincha de 
cocoanut, but it do no gooda. Bad boy. (Spies Fatty, zvho 
has been trying to hide behind his book, points finger at 
him.) There one bad boy. He no pincha de cocoanut, he 
pincha apple, pear, peach. He play treeck on me, mean 
dirty treeck. 

Wise. I'm sorry to hear it. What did he do ? 

Tony (gestures). He say he want two dozen banan at 
twenty centa a dozen, so I cut dem off, put dem in de bag, 
den he say he wanta one dozen oranges — forty centa — and 
I put dem in de bag, den he say he wanta one quart pea- 
nutta. I filla up de measure and put dem in de bag. Den 
he say, How mooch that be ? I putta de numbers all downa 
on the paper and count dem up so careful. Den he say I 
haf a two dollar bill, how mooch change you give me? I 
puta dem numbers all downa on the paper and tella heem ; 
den he grinna and runna out and say, *T no want your old 
stuff. That's my — my — what you call it — my 'rithmetic 
lesson for tomorrow and I could notta do eet." Bad boy. 
I like leek him. (Fatty acts rather frightened.) 

Wise. I'll attend to his case and see that he doesn't 
trouble you again. 

Tony. Tank you, Mister Sir. When I go church, lasta 
Sunday I weara nice seelk hat (gestures), high, nice, shiny 
seelk hat. Bad boy stop me, say, "Give me neckel." ''Why 
for I give you neckel?" I say. He say, whila he maka beeg 
snowball in his handa, ''Eef I had nica high seelk hat like 
yuora I would notta wanta it soaked with a snowballa." 

Wise. Was this the boy that did that? 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 11 

Fatty (jumping up). No — no. sir; no, sir. I didn't do 
it. No, sir; I didn't. No, sir. 

Tony. He de boy. Leeck him; leeck him hard. I like 
leeck him. 

Wise. I will settle the matter with him. 

Tony. I tank you, Mister Teacher Man. Good-bye. 
You leeck him harda. {Exit.) 

Wise {to Fatty). You, young man, are to stay after 
school every night this week and I will decide later what 
further punishment you will receive. Now get to studying 
again. {Goes over and looks at Fatty's book.) Is it your 
geography lesson you are working at? 

Fatty {zviping nose on sleeve). Yes, sir. 

Wise. Let me see how much you have learned. What 
State do you live in ? 

Fatty. In a state of sin and misery, I guess. 

Wise. It's a state of sin all right and I think there'll be 
some misery before I get through with you. Take your 
arithmetic now and study the rule for finding the diameter 
of a circle. I'll hear you recite it later. 

Enter Rachel Shimelovitch, carrying hooks and chew- 
ing gum vigorously. 

Wise. Well, Rachel, what are you in here for? 

Rachel {chewing gum, pulling it out from mouth, stretch- 
ing it, etc.). Teacher sent me here 'cause I wuz chawing 
gum. 

Wise. You do seem to be doing a good deal of chawing, 
as you call it. 

Rachel. Yep, it's good ; spearmint. Wouldn't you Hke 
to chaw some awhile? {Offers a stick of gum to Wise.) 

Wise. No, not today, and I think you had better throw 
it in the waste basket under my desk, then sit down in that 
chair over there and study. 

(Rachel goes to waste basket, pretends to throzv gum in, 
then on the sly shows Fatty she still has it.) 

Wise (to Rachel). Take your spelhng book, learn how 
to spell the words and find out what they mean. I'll hear 



12 HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 

you in a little while. Now get to work and don't waste any 
more time. 

Rachel. Yep. {Takes iip hook, makes a face at Fatty, 
he sticks out tongue at her. Telephone rings.) 

Wise {at telephone). Holloa! {Pause.) You want 
Rachel excused. (Rachel claps hands slyly.) What do 
you want her excused for? {Pause.) No, I can't excuse 
her to go to the moving pictures. {Pause.) You are going 
to have her? {Pause.) No, it's against the rules. {Pause.) 
You don't care about the rules. Well, we do. No, she can- 
not come. She is in my office now studying. She doesn't 
attend to her work and needs all her time. {Pause.) 
You'll be up to see me and make it hot for me? Come up 
and we'll talk it over. (Fatty and Rachel have been mak- 
ing faces, hitting one another, etc.) Good-bye. {Hangs up 

receiver.) 

^ Enter Peter Stuffer. 

Peter. Teacher sent me to you. 

Wise. What for? 

Peter. I dunno. 

Wise. Of course you know. 

Peter. Guess it wuz becuz she was feelin' cranky. 
S'pose she sat up too late with her feller last night. 

Wise {sternly). Stop that kind of talk at once. What 
did your teacher send you in here for? 

Peter {sulkily). 'Cause I wuz eatin' apples. 

Wise. Have you finished eating your apple ? 

Peter. Naw. 

Wise. What? 

Peter. No, sir. 

Wise. Well, you may finish it now ; then perhaps you 
can go back and attend to your work. Stand over there 
and eat. 

(Peter cats apple, nnnks at Fatty and Rachel, shozus 
them he has more apples in his pockets; thev silently ask 
for some; he sidles over and gives one to each zvhile Wise 
is doing some ivriting at desk.) 

Wise. Finished, Peter? 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 13 

Peter. I've got another. 

Wise. Well, eat it. (Continues writing. Peter eats 
apple with much munching. Rachel and Fatty bite theirs 
slyly.) All through now, Peter? 

Peter. Naw. Got another. 

Wise. How many apples have you? 

Peter. I dunno. 

Wise. Take them out of your pockets and put them here 
on my desk. (Peter pulls out apple after apple and piles 
them on desk. Rachel slyly edges near and grabs a big 
one.) Those are the biggest pockets I ever knew, Peter. 

Peter. Yep. (Turns pocket inside out, showing bottom 
of pocket all gone.) I kin fill my whole coat full. 

Wise. Sure you have them all out? 

Peter. Yep. Gee, they wuz kinder heavy. 

Wise. Your teacher tells me you can't write a compo- 
sition. 

Peter. Naw, I can't write no compersition. 

Wise. The trouble is you try to write about something 
that isn't in you. You take this pencil and paper and be 
yourself. Just write what is in you without attempting any 
flights of fancy. (Peter takes pencil and paper, shuffles 
off to chair. Fatty blows a bean from bean blower which 
hits Rachel in the face, making her scream.) Why did 
you scream, Rachel? 

Rachel (holding hand to face). Pve got an orful tooth- 
ache. Can't I go home? (Winks at Fatty and Peter, who 
nearly strangle trying to keep from laughing aloud.) 

Wise. I have something in the medicine case that will 
stop your toothache, I think. (Goes to case, takes out vial 
and little piece of cotton, zvhich he saturates and puts in 
Rachel^s tooth.) Does that make it feel better? 

Rachel. Yep. Lots better. (Aside to boys.) Gee, here 
comes ma ! Won't the teacher hev to take it now ? 
Enter Mrs. Shimelovitch, very angry. 

Wise. How do you do, Mrs. Shimelovitch ? 

Mrs. S. I tout how do you do at all. Vat I vants to 
know is if Rachel is mine childt or yours. Ven I say I vant 



14 HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 

her excused to go to de movies you say no. I vant you to 
unterstand she is mine childt and if I vant her to go to de 
movies she go. {Keeps raising voice, ending in a scream.) 

Wise. No, she cannot go. It is against the rules. 

Mrs. S. {coming nearer and shaking fist in Wise's face). 
Vat for do I care for de rules, I dell you. 

(Rachel, Fatty and Peter giggle, clap hands, etc.) 

Wise. Her teacher has sent her in here because she 
doesn't study and she says Rachel is not doing well in her 
studies. 

Mrs. S. {many gestures, loud voice). Her teacher no 
good. She mean to mine Rachel. She no try learn her. 
She down on her. 

Wise. I don't think that is so. Miss Snow is a very fine 
teacher and well Hked by her pupils. Shan't I call her in 
and you can have a talk with her? 

Mrs. S. No, no; I no dare to see her. {Gestures.) I 
pull her hair and slap her face. She mean to mine Rachel. 
I vant mine Rachel oxcused this minute. 

Wise. I told you she could not be excused. 

Mrs. S. All right. I go to the superintendent man and 
ask him whose childt Rachel vas. I go to him right now, I 
dell you. {Rushes out in great rage, muttering and threat- 
ening.) 

Wise (to Fatty). Have you learned how to find the 
diameter of a circle, Fatty? 

Fatty {slozvly). I guess so. 

Wise. Let me hear you give it. 

Fatty {haltingly). To — find — find — to find the diameter 
— the — the — the diameter, the — {scratches head and scozvls) 
the diameter of — a — a — circle you — you — {brightening up). 
Say, Mr. Wise, I know a lot easier way to find it than that 
old rule and it's right every time, too. 

Wise. All right, tell me your easy way. 

Fatty. To find the diameter of a circle step on the edge 
of an iron hoop and then measure the distance from the 
ground to the black and blue spot that hoop makes on your 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 15 

leg and that's the diameter of the circle. (Fatty looks very 

proud, Rachel and Peter giggle.) 

Wise. I'm afraid, Fatty, you are better fed than taught — 
Fatty. That's right, Mr. Wise, but you see that's becuz 

your teachers teach me and I feed myself. {Aside to 

Peter.) And I can do a blamed sight better job. 

Enter Amy Littlewit. 

Amy. Teacher says she wants the janitor to bring in the 
wrench, and raise Joseph Cooper's seat. {Exit.) 

Wise {at speaking tube). Mr. Knowitall, take your 
wrench in Mrs. Green's room and raise Joseph Cooper's 
seat. {To Rachel.) Have you learned your speUing 
lesson ? 

Rachel. Yes, sir. 

Wise. Spell recuperate. 

(Rachel stumbles, repeats, Peter prompts slyly, Rachel 
finally spells it correctly.) 

Wise. Now, the meaning of recuperate. 

Rachel. I dunno. 

Wise. Let me explain. In order to have you under- 
stand we will take your father for an example. 

Rachel {aside to boys). He ain't no example, bet your 
life. 

Wise. He is, of course, a hard working man. 

Rachel {meekly). Yes, sir. {Aside to boys.) Not that 
you'd take any notice of. {Winks at Peter.) 

Wise. When night comes he returns home tired and 
worn out, doesn't he? 

Rachel. Yes, sir. {Makes face at Fatty.) 

Wise. Then, it being night and his work being over and 
he being very tired, what does he do? 

Rachel. That's just what ma wants to know. 

Wise {smothering a laugh). Perhaps we had better pass 
on to the next word — ransom. Spell it. 

(Rachel, after several attempts, spells it correctly.) 

Wise. Put the word ransom in a sentence. Rachel. 

Rachel {after thinking). My big sister's beau ransom 



16 HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 

when he saw father coming after him. (Winks at boys. 
They hold sides and laugh.) 

Wise. You don't seem very strong in language. Let me 
try you in history. Read me that paragraph, (Points to 
paragraph in book.) 

Raci-iel (reading slozvly). George — Washington — was — 
born — February — twenty-second — seventeen — thirty-two — 
A— D. 

Wise. What does A. D. stand for, Rachel? 

Rachel. I dunno. 

Fatty. Huh! I know that. 

Wise. Well, tell Rachel, Fatty, what A. D. stands for. 

Fatty (triumphantly). After dark, of course. 

Wise. Wrong. (Peter zvazrs Jiis hand wildly.) Do 
you know, Peter? 

Peter. Sure. A. D. means all done. 

Wise. I want all three of you to look that up and tell 
me tomorrow. Rachel, when did Washington die? 

Rachel (in surprised tone). Is he dead? I didn't know 
he was sick. 

Fatty. Gee, I just heard it thunder. 

Rachel. Mr. Wise, what makes the thunder? 

Wise. Fatty, can't you tell Rachel what makes it thunder ? 

Fatty. Any guy knows that. One cloud slaps another 
cloud in the face, then they both begin to howl. (Makes 
face at Rachel.) 

Rachel (aside to Fatty). If I git a chance I'll slap 
your face and make you howl. 

Wise. The thunder and lightning are due to electricity, 
Rachel. 

Rachel. Yep, I'm onto that now. (Very innocently.) 
Say, Mr. Wise, if you had fleas on you and you had a shock 
of electricity strong enough to kill the fleas, would it kill 
you, too? (More zmnks at boys.) 

Wise. Rachel, I think you may return to your room. Do 
you think you can stop whispering and attend to your 
studies? Why can't you stop whispering. Rachel? 

Rachel (opemng moiith to show teeth). You see two 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 17 

of my front teeth are gone, Mr. Wise, and the whispers 
just slip out. I can't help it honest and true, black and blue. 
Wise. Well, go to your room and try. (Rachel goes 
out with a pai'ting grimace.) 

Janitor enters with wrench in hand. 

Janitor {grozvUng) . Queer thing how often them seats 
need fixin'. I raised that boy's seat an inch yesterday and 
I s'pose he'll want it another inch tomorrow. He ain't no 
kid — he's a mushroom. {Goes out muttering.) 

Wise {to Fatty). Do you think you can go in your room 
and behave yourself now? 

Fatty {meekly). Yes, sir. 

Wise. Go in, then, and try it. (Fatty g'oes out, kicking 
Peter as he goes. Wise to Peter) . Have you written your 
composition, Peter? 

Peter. Yes, sir, I've writ a fine one. 

Wise. Not so hard after all, was it, Peter? 

Peter. No, sir ; I didn't try what you said not to — the 
flights of fancy. I did just what you told me ter — writ 
what was in me. 

Wise {in pleased tones). That's just what I wanted you 
to do. Read it. 

Peter {reading). The most that's in me at the present 
time is apples. My teacher told me to write what was in 
me and I did. This is my compersition. 

Wise. Well, you didn't fly very high. I think that will 
do for one day, Peter. You must be tired after such severe 
brain work. Go to your room. (Peter goes out. Wise 
goes to desk.) Til see if I can get a few minutes to fix 
these reports before some more young hopefuls appear. 
{Writes. Some selection may he given by z'ictrola out- 
side or there may he some singing, presumably hy a pupil 
or pupils in one of the rooms, principal varying his comment 
to suit.) That new victrola we have worked so hard to 
earn is certainly fine and the children do enjoy it. 

Enter Mrs. Littlewit. 

Wise. Good morning, madam. 



18 HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 

Mrs. L. Good morning. Are you the reprobate judge? 

Wise. You mean the probate judge. 

Mrs. L. Yes, I guess that's it. 

Wise, No, I'm not the probate judge. He has an office 
at 106 Main Street, I beHeve. 

Mrs. L. I'm Amy Littlewit's mother and I'm in trouble, 
you see. My husband was studying to be a minister at a 
logical seminary and he died detested and left me three little 
infidels, and I want the reprobate judge to appoint me their 
executioner. 

Wise (concealing smile) . I think you will find him in his 
office now if you hurry. (Looks at watch.) 

Mrs. L. It's awful hard to be left with three Httle infi- 
dels and have to be their executioner. I'll run right along. 
Good day. (Exit.) 

Wise. Well, I don't wonder Amy has little wit with such 
a mother. Her husband went to a logical seminary, died 
detested and she is to be their executioner. Well, I don't 
know but she will be. If that isn't murdering the English 
language, what is ? 

Susie Dauby conies in crying. 

Wise. More trouble, Susie ? You're always in hot water. 
What is it now? 

Susie. They call me names. 

Wise. What do they call you? 

Susie. Just cause my name is Dauby they call me dibby, 
dabby, dauby. 

Wise. What did you do ? 

Susie. Just to show them I was a lady I slapped one 
boy's face. 

Wise. That was real ladylike. What else did you do ? 

Susie. I — I — called them names, too. 
, Wise. What did you call them? 

Susie. I called Tony Levaggi, Tony, bolony. 

Wise. It seems to me you were as much to blame as they 
were. Who was the other boy ? 

Susie. I don't know his name, but I know how old he is. 

Wise. How do you know how old he is ? 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 19 

Susie. I saw it marked on his overalls ; 12 years, it said. 

Wise. I rather think you can look out for yourself all 
right. You may go back to your own room. (Exit Susie.) 
Enter Mrs. Voluble. 

Wise. Good morning, Mrs. Voluble. (Shakes hands.) 

Mrs. V. Good morning, Mr. Owl — oh, I beg pardon. I 
mean Mr. Wise. I alius do get your name mixed, I s'pose 
'cause you alius think of an owl as bein' wise. I wuz jest 
agoin' down to the store to git some salt codfish fur dinner, 
an' ses I to myself, ses I. I'll jest drop into the school and 
ask Mr. Owl — I mean Mr. Wise — how my little grand- 
darter is a gettin' along. She's a right pert young lady an' 
powerful smart, I calls her. Does purty well at her books, 
don't she? 

Wise. She is doing very nicely. 

Mrs. V. I knewed she would. None of our tribe air 
dunces. She's jest larned to skate. My, but thet's not 
saying much. I've jest learned myself and I'm a few years 
older than she be, too. (Sits dozmi, unfastens shazvl. Mr. 
Wise sighs slightly, stands as if anxious for her to go, 
finally sits down.) Joshua said I was rather too old to go 
into any such childish business, but I don't see no airthly 
reason why an old married woman shouldn't enjoy herself 
if she can. Goodness knov/s most of us has trouble enough 
to put up with — if we have a husband and children and 
hens and pigs and sich things. All the wimmen folks has 
been skating, so I made up my mind I'd see what I could 
do at it. I had an idee it wouldn't take me no time at all 
to larn. I sold five pounds of butter and bought me a 
pair of skates. Then Miss Jones sed I must hev a skating 
costume, so one day I sot myself to work and fixed one. 
I took a pair of Joshua's red flannel drawers and sot two 
rosettes of green ribbin onto the bottoms of 'em, and then 
I took a yaller petticoat of mine and sewed five rows of 
blue braid around the bottom of it. My waist I made out 
of a blue and green plaid shawl, and for a cap I took Josh- 
ua's stovepipe hat and cut it down a story or two ; then I 
tied a wide piece of red flannel around it, pulled out an 



20 HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 

old Grower's tail and stuck that into the front of It, and 
my costume was complete. Joe Larson sed he'd larn me, 
but I told him I rather guessed I could take keer of myself. 
I'd took keer of myself through the jonders, and the dys- 
pepsy, and I guessed I could skate without nobody's help. 
One morning I got my work done up bright and airly, 
dressed myself in my skating costume, took my skates in 
one hand and a long pole to steady myself with in the other 
and started for the pond. I went airly, thinking there'd 
be no specklepcrtaters, but law sakes, the pond was full 
of 'em; but I was too plucky to back out. I sot down on 
the ground, strapped on my skates, grabbed my long pole 
firmly in both hands and got onto the ice. The minnit I 
got on I sot right down flat, and it was as much as five 
minutes before I could get up again, and when I did my 
left foot begun to run rite round t'other one and I run rite 
round arter it. The fust thing I knowed my heels was up 
and my head was down and I saw more'n a million stars. 
Joe Larson seed me fall and he come over and helped me 
up. I found I could run a great deal better than I could 
shde, so I thought I'd go over to t'other side of the pond. 
After I once got started the trouble was to stop myself. 
I went right ahead like a steam injine down grade, so with 
my pole sticking out each side of me I sailed on. I had 
the wind at my back and it filled my yaller petticoat so it 
floated out afore me like a banner. I was a-coming to 
where the skaters were pretty thick, but I didn't think to 
take my pole down, so the fust thing I knowed I was a 
mowing of 'em down right and left. The ice was lined 
with ruins — muffs, hoods, gloves, false teeth, false hair, 
men. women and children all mixed up together. Just then 
I riz my pole and down I went, striking the back of my 
crannyum so hard I thought my skull bone was broke. Abe 
Hoskins cum skating along, so I grabbed hold of his coat- 
tail to hist myself up by and the cloth parted jest like a 
cobweb, left him with a bob-tailed coat on and let me fall 
back on the ice harder'n ever. Joe Larson come along jest 
then and I didn't say nothing agin his helping me. I was nigh 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 21 

about played out, so he escorted me home. I was so sore for a 
week that I couldn't git my arms to my head without screech- 
ing', and I didn't even try to go upstairs. As soon as I got 
better I let Joe help me larn, and you never seed the beat of 
how I can skate now. It's th.e grandest exercise and so 
healthy! I've friz both my feet, and my nose and my face 
has all peeled and I've got the rheumatiz tremenjous, but 
I've larned to skate. How I hev rattled on, an' I told my 
darter I'd be back with thet codfish in ten minutes. They 
say I've gone crazy about skating an' I declare to good- 
ness I believe I hev. Awful glad that granddarter of mine 
is gettin' along so well. Run up and see us sometime, Mr. 
Wise. Joshua would be powerful glad to hev you. Them 
men folks won't hev any dinner if I don't hurry. Good- 
bye, Mr. Owl. 

Wise. Good-bye, Mrs. Voluble. (Mrs. V. goes out and 
comes hack and puts head in door.) 

Mrs. V. I jest came back to tell you you'd better larn 
to skate, too, Mr. Owl. It's powerful healthy exercise. 

Wise. Thank you. Perhaps I will try it. 

Mrs. V. Thet's right. No use growin' old. I'll help 
you learn any time. Good-bye. {Exit.) 

Wise. I should think that woman's tongue would ache. 
Perhaps I can get a minute at these reports now. {Writes 
a few minutes. A good chance here to add another musical 
selection. Great noise . of scuffling is then heard outside. 
Wise opens door.) 

Enter Mr. Haulemin, dragging hoy who is struggling 
and kicking. 

Wise. What does this mean? 

Mr. H. {pushing hoy into office). It means this young 
rascal has been playing truant again. 

Tommy {defiantly). My mother told me I could go out 
and play ball, so I did. 

Wise. Didn't I tell you if you played truant again I 
should have to whip you? 

Tommy {sulkily). Huh! I ain't afraid of no teacher. 
You don't dast to lick me. 



22 HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 

Wise. Don't dare to whip you ! I'd like to know why. 

Tommy. Cause my ma can lick you. 

Wise. I hardly think your ma could lick me, as you 
call it. 

Tommy (boastfully). Huh! She jest could. She often 
licks pa with one hand and he's bigger'n you are. 

Wise. I think you are lying, Thomas. I don't believe 
your mother told you to stay home and play ball. 

Mr. H. I know she didn't. I went and asked her. 

Wise. Don't you know, Tommy, that boys who tell lies 
cannot go to heaven? 

Tommy. Didn't you ever tell a lie? 

Wise. Perhaps I did when I was very small and didn't 
know any better. 

Tommy. I never knew anybody wot didn't except George 
Washington, and I don't know as 'twould be much fun to 
be in heaven alone with him. He's lots older than I be. 

Mr. H. He was swearing like a pirate, Mr. Wise. 

Wise. Do you know, Tommy, what becomes of boys who 
swear when they are playing ball? 

Tommy. Sure thing. They grow up and play golf. 

Mr. H. He'd been fighting, too. Look at his black eye. 

Tommy. That's 'cause I did wot Mr. Wise told me to do. 

Wise. How was that? 

Tommy. Didn't you tell me the other day not to fight 
until I had counted a hundred? 

Wise. Yes ; I'm glad you remembered. 

Tommy. Well, I ain't glad. Look at the black eye 
Johnny Jackson guv me while I was countin' that hundred. 
I don't count no hundred next time, bet your life. 

Mr. H. a woman came out as I was getting this fellow 
here and told me he was the boy that cut off her cat's tail. 

Wise. Tommy, Tommy, I am sorry to hear of such cru- 
elty. What does the Bible say about such a thing? 

Tommy. I s'pose you mean "What God has joined to- 
gether let no man put asunder." 

Wise. Thomas, though it hurts me worse than it does 
you, I shall have to give you a good whipping. 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 23 

Tommy. Say, Mr. Wise, if it hurts you worse than it 
does me, let me do the wallopin', will yer? 

Mr. H. I forgot to tell you, Mr. Wise, that he was also 
smoking cigarettes again. 

Wise. You know what you will come to if yqu keep on 
smoking cigarettes? 

Tommy. Come to the butts, of course. 

Wise. You come with me. {Takes him by the shoulder.) 

Tommy {beginning to blubber). Where? 

Wise. I think we'll go on a short whaling trip. 

Tommy. Please don't lick me, teacher. Did you ever get 
licked when you was a boy? 

Wise. I believe I did once. 

Tommy. Did your father ever get licked? 

Wise. I believe I have heard him say he did. 

Tommy. And your grandfather? 

Wise. Perhaps so. 

Tommy. I'd like to get hold of the guy that started this 
licking business. Pd give him a worse black eye than I 
hev. 

Wise {sternly). Go out in the hall. Quick. Move along. 
(Mr. H., Wise and Tommy go out. Sounds of whipping 
and loud cries.) 

Re-enter Tommy and Wise. 

Wise. Now, have I taught you a lesson. Tommy? 

Tommy {crying). Y-y-yes, sir. 

Wise. What lesson have I taught you? 

Tommy. That I needs a thicker pair of pants. 

Wise. Take this book and sit over in the corner and 
study. {Telephone rings. Wise, at telephone.) Yes — 
yes. Dr. Solomon. Yes. Be here in a few minutes? 
{Pause.) Yes, I have some cases I want you to look at. 
(Pause.) The nurse is coming with you ? {Pause.) Yes. 
Albright. {Hangs up receiver.) 

Silas Shrewd enters zmth report card in hand. Jerry 
also enters. Silas stands waiting. 

Jerry. The top of the moirning to yez, Mr. Woise. Are 
the books all roidy fur the loibrary ? 



24 HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 

Wise. Yes, Jerry. All ready. There they are. (Points 
to large basket of books, which Jerry takes on his back.) 
Pretty heavy load to carry, Jerry. 

Jerry. Begorry, yis, but Oi'd rayther carry this load on 
me back than the load yez are aftehr carrying on your mind. 
Oi'd be afther killing some of the young varmints if Oi had 
them. (Silas makes up face at Jerry behind Mr. Wise's 
back.) Shure and Oi'd begin with that young scalpeen there. 
Good morning, Mr. Woise. {Exit zmth books.) 

Silas. Teacher sent me in to show you my report card. 

Wise (takes card, looks at it). Silas, your father will be 
very much disappointed when he sees this. 

Silas. I should think he'd be mighty glad. 

Wise. Glad ! Doesn't your father want you to get good 
marks ? 

Silas. Guess so ; but he told me last time I brought home 
a good report card he'd give me a dollar — said he wasn't 
a bit satisfied with that one. I told him I knew he wouldn't 
be, but the old teacher was too contrary to change it. 

Wise. Of course he'll be disappointed when he sees this, 
then. 

Silas. Shouldn't think he would be. Plaven't I saved 
him a dollar? Think that ought to suit him, but you can't 
never suit some folks. Jest likely's not he'll be mad at me. 

Wise. I thought you were trying hard. You had good 
marks all last week. Now they are poor again. What is 
the trouble? 

Silas (pouting and stubbing toe). 'Tain't my fault. 

Wise. Who's fault is it, then? 

Silas. Teacher's. 

Wise. How is it the teacher's fault? 

Silas. She went and moved the girl that sat next to 
me, the one wot always has her examples right; then, jest 
as soon as I learn to spell one word right the blamed old 
teacher goes and gives me a new one. 

Wise (sternly). Speak more respectfully of your teacher, 
Silas. 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 25 

Silas {brightening up). Say, Mr. Wise, I got a hundred 
yesterday. 

Wise. I'm glad to hear it. It shows you can when you 
try. 

Silas. Yes, I got 25 in 'rithmetic, 25 in spellin', 25 in 
langwidge and 25 in jography. That's 100, ain't it? 

Wise. I think we won't waste any more time talking. You 
run to the postoffice for me, get a two-cent stamp and put 
on this letter; then drop it in the box. I haven't a stamp 
left and I want this letter to go at once. Here are the two 
cents for the stamp. Hurry right back. {Exit Silas.) 

Enter Dr. Solomon and Miss Hobson. 

Doctor. Good morning, Mr. Wise. 

Wise. Good morning, Doctor. Good morning, Miss 
Hobson. 

Miss H. Good morning, Mr. Wise. 

Doctor. What is our first case this morning? 

Wise. I want you to look at Patrick O'Flannigan's 
hands. I'm afraid he has some skin disease. 

Doctor. All right. I'll be ready for him in a minute. 
{Takes off coat, opens hag, etc.) 

Miss H. {takes off coat and hat). I suppose you want 
me to look at some of the children's heads, Mr. Wise? 

Wise. Yes, Miss Reeves has some that need attention. 
I will ask her to send them in the corridor for you. {Steps 
to speaking tube.) Miss Reeves, the school nurse is here. 
Send the children whose heads are to be looked over into 
the corridor. {Exit Miss H.) 

Silas enters. 

Wise. Did you get the stamp to put on my letter and 
mail it, Silas? That's a letter I'm very particular to have 
go at once. 

. Silas {all smiles). Yes, Mr. Wise, I mailed it all right 
but I saved the two cents for you. {Holds out the two 
cents.) I saw a lot of people droppin' letters into the box, 
so I watched till I got a good chance when nobody was 



26 HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 

lookin' and dropped yours in. Here's your two cents. 
(Doctor and Wise look at one another and smile.) 

Wise. Well, I guess you've stopped my letter from 
going all right, Silas. (Silas looks dozmicast.) Now, 
Silas, take this paper and pencil and write all you can about 
Abraham Lincoln. Y^ou know a good deal about his life, 
don't you? 

Silas. Oh, yes, I know an orful lot about him. 

Wise. Well, get started, then. (Silas writes a word or 
two, then chews pencil, scratches head, etc.) 

Doctor. All ready now, Mr. Wise. 

Wise (at speaking tube). Miss Prim, send in Patrick 
O'Flannigan at once. {To Doctor.) He'll be right here, 
Doctor. 

Patrick O'Flannigan appears, very dirty, and zmth old 
ragged gloz'es on. 

Doctor. What are the gloves on for, Patrick? 

Patrick. Aw, de teacher is so blamed fussy. She said 
me hands were too dirty ter be seen, so I jest put on me 
gloves to please her. 

Doctor. Well, you can take them off mighty quick to 
please me. (Patrick pidls off one glove, shozmng very 
dirty hand.) Gracious, I believe that is the dirtiest hand I 
ever saw. (Patrick pidls off other glove.) 

Patrick. I bet dis one can beat it. 

Doctor. Right you are, Pat. 

Wise (sternly). Patrick, go to the wash, bowl at once. 
Here is a piece of soap and a towel. Wash your face and 
hands thoroughly, then come back for the Doctor to see 
you. You ought to be ashamed to be so dirty. March. 

Patrick (goes out nmtterlng). Such a fuss 'cause a 
feller's hands hev a speck of dirt on 'em. 

Enter Rachel Shimelovitch, chewing gum. 

Wise. What now, Rachel? 

Rachel. Teacher sent me here cuz I wuz chawin' gum 
agin. 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 27 

Wise. Didn't I tell you to throw it in the w?.ste basket 
when you were in here before? 

Rachel. Yep. 

Wise. Why didn't you do it? 

Rachel. Didn't want ter. Ain't a-goin' to throw away 
a good chaw of gum. 

Wise. I'm going to let you chew just as long and hard 
as you want to and see if you can get enough of it for once. 
Stand over there and don't stop chewing a second until I 
tell you to. (Rachel zvinks at Silas and begins cheunng 
vigorously.) 

Doctor. Blessed is the woman who chews gum, for 
when she is chewing gum sh.e is not chewing the rag. 

Enter Patrick ivith very dirty tozvel and face streaked 
with dirt. 

Wise. Are your hands clean now, Patrick? 

Patrick. Yer bet. Jest look at the towel if yez don't 
believe me. {Holds up very dirty towel.) 

Doctor {looks at Patrick's hands). They are filthy and 
so is your face. Why don't you look in the mirror to see 
if you have your face clean? 

Patrick. Don't hev ter. Does jest as well ter look at de 
towel. 

W^iSE {sternly). Go back, Patrick, and wash your face 
and hands thoroughly. (Patrick goes out scuffling.) 

Miss H. cornes in with Bridget O'Flannigan. 

Miss H. {to Doctor). This child has nits in her head. 
(Doctor looks at Bridget's head.) 

Doctor. Yes, full of them. We shall have to exclude 
her until her head is cleaned up. You sit over there, 
Bridget, until I get a chance to write a letter to send to 
your mother. (Bridget, Rachel and Silas in all sorts of 
mischief.) 

Enter Amy Littlewit and Susie Dauby. Miss H. goes 
out. 

Amy. Teacher sent us in fer the doctor to look at our 
throats. 



28 HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 

Doctor. All right. Come over here. Throat sore? 

Amy. It was yesterday. 

Doctor (puts tongue depressor in Amy''s mouth and 
looks dozmi throat). Rather a bad looking throat. Think 
I'd better take a culture. (Amy begins to cry.) 

Amy. I don't want no culture. My mother told me I 
needn't have no culture. I ain't a-goin' to have my throat 
cut out. 

Doctor. I'm not going to cut your throat, child. 

Amy. I fainted twict in two schools I went to and they 
sent me to the hospital both times and cut me so ma writ 
this note for me to keep pinned on my dress for fear I'd 
faint and they'd cut me up again. You'd better read it. 
(Unpins note and hands it to the Doctor, zuho reads aloud.) 
"If Amy faints do not take her to the hospital to operate. 
Her appendix has been removed three times already." 
(Laughs.) 

Doctor. Don't be afraid, Amy. I won't try for that 
appendix again. I only want to put this little piece of cotton 
in your mouth. 

Amy (claps hands oz^er mouth and backs azi^ay). I won't; 
no, I won't. I ain't a-goin' ter; I ain't a-goin' ter. (Yells 
and screams.) 

Doctor. I'll look at Susie first. Amy, so you'll see it 
doesn't hurt at all. You're a brave girl, Susie, aren't you ? 

Susie (tremblingly). Y-y-yes, sir. 

Doctor. Come right over here and show Amy how 
brave you are. 

(Susie goes to Doctor hesitatingly. Doctor takes a little 
stick zvith bit of cotton zurapped around the end of it from 
a bottle, zmpes it around Susie's mouth, then returns it to 
bottle and seals it). 

Doctor. There; that didn't hurt, did it, Susie? 

Susie (all smiles). No, sir; not a bit. 

Doctor. You see, Amy, it doesn't hurt any. Now you're 
going to let me do it to your throat, aren't you? (Amy 
begins to scream again and they try in vain to pacify her.) 

Wise. I think we had better send Amy back to her room 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 29 

and I will notify her mother. Amy, go to your room. {To 
Doctor.) Susie was absent yesterday on account of sick- 
ness in the family. It may be something contagious. Per- 
haps you had better inquire. 

Doctor. Yes, indeed ; we can't be too careful about these 
contagious diseases. {To Susie.) Why were you absent 
from school yesterday, Susie? 

Susie. My mother wuz sick. 

Doctor. Is it a contagious disease? 

Susie. I don't know. 

Doctor. What is the matter with her? 

Susie. I don't know. 

Doctor. What does the doctor say it is ? 

Susie. He says it's a boy. 

Doctor. That will do, Susie, you may go to your room. 
(Susie goes out.) 

Rastus appears holding on to his ears. 

Rastus. I've got an orful earache, doctah. 

Doctor. That's too bad. 

Rastus. Aches something orful. Ow — ow — ow. {Gives 
loud and piercing scream.) 

Doctor. Let me look at your ears, Rastus. (Doctor 
looks at ears.) Why, your ears are full of water. Been in 
swimming ? 

Rastus. No, sah. 

Doctor. How does it happen your ears are full of 
water ? 

Rastus. Ah dunno, sah. 

Doctor. Can't you think of any way you could have 
got water in your ears? 

Rastus. {Thinks.) Yes sah. Ah hab it, sah. I've bin 
eatin' watermelyun, sah. 

Doctor. That's it exactly. Well, next time put it in 
your mouth instead of your ears. Go out and wipe your 
ears and I guess you'll be all right. 

Rastus. Y^es, sah. 

Wise. Perhaps the Doctor would like to hear your piece 
about the watermelon. 



30 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 



Rastus. Yes, sah, Ah'U say it for him, sah. (Recites.) 
There was a watermilHon 
Growing on a vine 
And there were a pickaninny 
A-watching it all the time 
And when that watermillion 
Were a-ripenin' in the sun, 
And the stripes along its jacket 
Were coming one by one, 
That pickaninny hooked it, 
And toting it away. 
He ate that whole big million 
Within one single day, 
He ate the rind and pieces, 
He finished it with vim. 
And then that watermillion 
Just up and finished him. 

Doctor. Fine, Rastus, fine. I expect you'll be a great 
orator some day. (Rastus grins and goes out.) 

Wise. I'd hke to have you go in Miss Prim's room a 
little while. Doctor. 

Doctor. All right. I'll go now. 

(Doctor and Wise go out. Silas, Bridget and Rachel 
haz'e a great time fixing up a bug.) 

Silas. Say, we'll hev some fun with the teacher. He 
thinks he knows all kinds of bugs. 

Rachel. Guess he'll get stuck on the name of this one. 

Bridget. He won't own up he don't know its name I bet. 

Silas. Where'll we tell him we caught it? 

Rachel. Any old place. (Add as much more talk as 
necessary to giz'e time to get the bug all fixed.) 

Bridget. Quick, I hear him coming. 

Enter Wise. 

Silas. Mr. Wise^ can you tell me the name of this bug? 
Wise (hiding a smile and pretending to examine it care- 
fully). It seems a rare specimen. (Silas, Rachel and 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 31 

Bridget try very hard to keep from laughing aloud.) 
Where did you find it? 

Silas. Over in the field near the church. 

Wise. Did it hum when you caught it? 

Silas {nudging Rachel zvho stuffs handkerchief in 
month to keep from laughing.) Yes, sir, it was humming 
like everything. 

Wise. Well, then I think I should call it a hum bug. * 

Silas {meekly). Yes, sir. 

W^iSE. Have you finished your paper on Abraham 
Lincoln, Silas? 

Silas. Yes, sir. 

Wise. You may read it. 

Silas {reading very slowly). Abraham Lincoln was 
born on a bright summer day the twelfth of February, 1809. 
He was born in a log cabin which he had helped his father 
to build. 

Wise. You are certainly one bright boy, Silas. Born 
on a bright summer's day in February in a log cabin he had 
helped his father to build. You go back to your room now 
and work on your spelling lesson. (Silas goes out.) 

Doctor and Patrick enter. 

Doctor. Now, Pat, let me see your hands. They look 
clean now but {examining) Lm afraid he has impetigo 
contagiosa, Mr. Wise. 

Wise. I was afraid that was the trouble. I think we 
had better send a boy and ask Mrs. O'Flannigan to come 
to the office right away. {Steps to speaking tube.) Miss 
Green, send one of your boys to Mrs. O'Flannigan's and 
ask her to come right up to the school. 

Patrick. Is that wot makes me dizzy and everythin' 
go round and round, Doctor? 

Doctor. No, it is only a slight disease of the skin and 
ought not to make you feel that way. I'm afraid you've 
been smoking. 

Patrick. No, sir. I ain't, honest. I guess I'm in love. 

Doctor. In love ! What makes you think you are in 
love? 



32 HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 

Patrick. Well, the song says 'tis love that makes the 
world go round and the world is goin' round somethin' orful 
ter me just now. I guess I've gone an' caught it. 

Doctor. I'll give you something that will fix that all 
pight. (Gives him a tablet.) Here, take this and you'll 
soon feel better . 

Patrick. Say, Doctor, you're makin' a pretty good thing 
out of the rich Jones kid, ain't yer? 

Doctor. Why, yes, but what is that to you ? 

Patrick. Cuz I hope yer won't fergit that I wuz the 
kid wot threw the brick wot hit him and guv you the job. 

Wise. Yes, remember Patrick you had your payment 
for it — a good whipping. 

Patrick. I'd like another kind of payment. 

Wise. You sit down, Patrick, until your mother comes. 
(Patrick sits down.) 

Tommy Terror enters. 

Tommy. Teacher sez I ain't been vaccinated an' I hev 
ter be. 

Doctor. Well, I'm all ready for you. Roll up your 
sleeve. 

(Tommy rolls up sleeve, Doctor pretends to vaccinate, 
then starts to bandage arm.) 

Tommy. Aw, put de rag on de odder arm. 

Doctor. Why, no, I want to put the bandage on the 
sore arm so the boys at school won't hit you on it. 

Tommy. Aw, come off. Yer don't know der fellers at 
dis school. Put it on de odder arm ter fool 'em — See? 
(Doctor laughs, finishes bandaging.) 

Wise {to Patrick). Did you bring your excuse for 
being absent last Friday? 

Patrick. Yes, sir {after much fumbling and pidling out 
of all so7^ts of ludicrous articles he hands Mr. Wise a very 
dirty note). 

Wise {reading aloud). Dere Mam, Pleas excus Patsy. 
He didn't have but wan pair of pants an' Oi kep' him home 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 33 

to wash thim an' Mrs. O'Toole's goat come and et thim off 
the hne and that ot to be eguise enuff goodness nose. 
Yours with respeck 

Mrs. O'Flannigan. 

(To Patrick.) Well, I see you have another pair now, 
Patrick. 

Patrick. Me sister's husband's brother's kid guv me 
dese and yer jest bet dey don't git washed fur no goat ter 
eat — Pm agoin' ter sleep in em. De odders wuzn't dirty 
none ter hurt. I jest fell down in de pig pen in 'em an' 
de next day in de sink drain but 'twas all dried on an' 
didn't hurt 'em a bit. 

Enter Ikey Shimelovitch with many clothes all sewed on. 

Ikey. Teacher sent me in ter let de doctor look at me. 
She says I don't smell sweet. 

Doctor (going to Ikey and turning him round and 
round). Phew, I should say you didn't. Who sewed your 
clothes on like that ? 

Ikey. Me mudder did. 

Doctor. How long ago? 

Ikey. It will be three months next Tuesday. 

Doctor. Well, you go home to your mother just as 
quick as you can get there and tell her to rip those clothes 
off of you, give you a bath, put some clean clothes on you 
and send you back here to school. 

Ikey. Me mudder will be mad at you. (Exit.) 

Doctor. I'm going into Miss Austin's room now. If 

any more cases are sent to the office call me in. (Doctor 

goes out.) ^ ^ 

^ ^ John Speecher enters. 

John, Teacher sent me to speak my piece to you. 

Wise. All right, I'm not busy just this minute. Go 
ahead and say it. (John may have some simple piece, 
stumble, forget, etc., or he may have a ''smarty' piece and 
act smart over it, Mr. Wise making remarks appropriate 
for the piece and manner of saying it after which John is 
sent back to room.) 



34 HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 

Enter Mrs. Shimelovitch zvith Ikey — Mrs. S. very angry. 

Mrs. S. I vant to see de von dat send mine Ikey home. 

Wise. The doctor sent him home, Mrs. Shimelovitch. 

Mrs. S. Vere is he ? I hit him ! I punch him ! I black 
his eye! Vy for did he send mine Ikey home und dell me 
to dake off dese clothes? I dell you I dake tree hours sew 
dem clothes on mine Ikey und dey stay right on him till 
May. Now den. 

Wise. That won't do, Mrs. Shimelovitch. The child 
needs a bath and clean clothes. The teacher and the other 
pupils can't stand it. 

Mrs. S. I tout sent mine Ikey to school for no teacher 
to smell. I sent mine Ikey fer his teacher to learn him, 
not to smell him. Ikey's ain't no rose. I vant to see that 
toctor. 

Wise. I'll call the Doctor if you wish to see him (Steps 
to speaking tube). Can you come to the office. Doctor? 
Ask the nurse to come, too. (To Mrs. S.) I'm glad you 
called, Mrs Shimelovitch, the nurse wanted to speak to you 
about Rachel's head. 

Miss H. enters. 

Wise (to Miss H.). This is Rachel's mother. Miss 
Hobson. You wanted to show her Rachel's head. 

Miss H. Come here, Rachel. Now Mrs. Shimelovitch, 
I want you to see Rachel's head. (Mrs. S. zvith fire in her 
eye comes near.) You see her head is full of nits which 
you must get out at once. 

Mrs. S. (angrily). Mine Rachel haf not one bug in her 
head. I dell you you dell big lies. 

Miss H. (pnlls out hair and shozi/s it to Mrs. S.) You 
can see for yourself. There they are. 

Mrs. S. I dell you you dell big lies. You pull that hair 
out of some one else's head and pud it in mine Rachel's for 
spite. I like to pull your hair und slap your face. 

Enter Doctor. Mrs. S. goes tozvard him, shaking her 
fist in his face. 

Mrs. S. Vot for you sent mine Ikey home? 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 35 

Doctor {;very calrnly). To have a bath and get some 
clean clothes. 

Mrs. S. I gif him no bath und I puds no clean clothes 
on him till next May, I dell you. He all sewed up for de 
winter und I tout dake off dem clothes for no little toctor 
like you vas. 

Doctor. You take Ikey and go home with him and clean 
him up and you take Rachel and clean her head or I'll 
have the board of health after you. Now, start or I'll call 
in the police. 

Mrs. S. Come Ikey und Rachel, ve vill go home (shak- 
ing fist), but I vill punch you head yet, all tree of you, I 
vill punch your head. (Takes Ikey and Rachel by hands 
and goes out muttering and threatening.) 

Enter Mrs. O'Flannigan out of breath, red faced, shazvl 
over head. 

Mrs. O. The boiy sed as how yez wuz afther wanting 
ter see me immijately if not sooner so Oi jist lift me 
washin' and come along ter wanst. Shure and phwat are 
me two darhnts in here for ? 

Wise. The nurse wanted to speak to you about Bridget's 
head. 

Miss H. Just look here, Mrs. O'Flannigan. (Shows 
Mrs. O. Bridget's head.) 

Mrs. O. Shure, Oi do be afther knowing there ain't no 
bugs in Bridgie's hid. Oim very perticuler about the dar- 
lint's hid. Iviry morning Oi take the foine tooth comb 
and Oi combs thim out and Oi puts them on the floor and 
Oi stips on thim. (Acts out.) 

Miss H. But look here — there are the nits — you must 
get rid of those too. 

Mrs. O. Be jabbers and phwat are nits? 

Miss H. I'll show you. Look right there— that little 
speck. 

Mrs. O. Shure and did yez have me lave me wurrk and 
give mesilf heart disease running up here to say a little 
spick on the darlint's hair. Begorry, and yez had better 
be in better bisness. Hurting the poor child's tinder falings 



36 HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 

too ! Oi suppose you mane well but yez haven's a mother 
tinder falings for her childers. Bridgie is that timid it 
brakes her heart to spake cross to her. (Bridget has been 
holding her mothei^s bag and has taken out her pocketbook.) 
Bridget, if you take wan cint out of that pocketbook Oi'll 
brake iviry bone in yer body. Now moind what Oi say or 
Oi'll knock you spacheless. As Oi wuz asayin' yez can't 
be ixpicted to have a mother's tinder falings. What's the 
matter wid me dare little Patsy? 

Wise. I wanted you to see his hands. He has impetigo 
contagiosa. 

Mrs. O. (throzving up hands). Howly mither of Moses 
and phwat do that be? If it's as bad as it sounds it must be 
something orful. Will yez say it agin? 

Wise. Impetigo contagiosa. It is a disease of the skin. 

Doctor. Here is something for you to put on them, 
Mrs. O'Flannigan, and you must make him keep them 
cleaner. 

Mrs. O. (hands on hips). Shure, yez make an orful 
toime about a little doirt. Doirt's healthy and if yez hed 
the childer Oi hev O'id loike to say yez kape th.im clane. 

Wise. How many children have you, Mrs. O'Flannigan ? 

Mrs. O. Twilve in awl — foive by the thoird woife of 
me sicind husband, wan by the sicind wife of me furst 
husband and foive of me own and wan sick wan. (To 
Patsy zt^ho is hitting Bridget.) Patsy, you young scalpeen, 
Oi'll knock yer hed agin the wall if yez don't be afther 
sthopping hitting, Bridgie. Do yez hear me — Sthop it, Oi 
say or Oi'll knock yer hid complately ofif yer shoulders. 

Miss H. What is the matter with your sick child? 

Mrs. O. Shure she do be having the gangrene — the 
docther do be tilling us. 

Miss H. Gangrene! That is pretty serious. 

Mrs. O. Yis, but Oi tills me owld man we kin be thank- 
ful for the color. Oi'll be goin' back to me washin'. Be 
keerful uv me rare, dilicate little darlints. Oi know yez 
mane well, yer intintions are good but a taycher ain't loike 
a mother — they can't fale the same for them. Oi ixpect 



HAPPY SCHOOL DAYS 37 

th.im childers at home are up to their ayes in mischafe. Ci 
must hurry home and bate iverywan of thim into obagence. 

Wise. It's just time for school to close so Patrick and 
Bridget may go along with you. 

Mrs. O. All roight, sorr, that will be foine. Good day 
to yez all. (Exit Mrs. O., Patrick and Bridget.) 

Wise. There's the gong. It has been rather a strenuous 
morning. 

Patrick (poking head in door). Some one stole me cap 
off uv me. 

Wise. You look again and I guess you'll find it. 

Mrs. O. (calling). Here it is, Patsy. Haven't yez anny 
oiyes in yer head at all, at all ? 

Doctor. I'm ready for some dinner. 

Wise. So am I. 

(Curtain, or Doctor, Miss H. and Wise can get on 
mraps, chatting meanwhile and pass out.) 

Curtain. 



Kicked Out o£ College 

By WALTER BEN HARE 

Price, 25 Cents 

College farce in 3 acts; 10 males, 9 females. Time, 2^4 hours. 
Scenes: 2 interiors. An excellent comedy of masterly construc- 
tion, abounding in incident and mirth provoking episode, rapid in 
action and cumulative in interest. Great opportunity is offered for 
juvenile comedian to impersonate a temperamental young lady. 
Side-splitting parts for coon and "cullud" wash-lady. Sporty col- 
lege boys, the hen-pecked husband, the brusque business man, the 
college grind, a suffragist leader, three dainty ingenues, a motherly 
old landlady, a frisky French demoiselle, a saucy kid of ten, and a 
slangy stenographer, add local college color and general interest. 
The most popular boy in college is so busy with an invention and 
with his various social and athletic activities, that he is dropped 
from the roll, but later makes good and is allowed to re-enter. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act T. — Room in "Ma" Baggsby's college boarding house. Col- 
lege pranks. The new "fawncy dawnces." Tad Cheseldine, the 
college cut-up, and his chum, Booties Benbow. "I've always told 
Booties that he ought to go to class at least once a week." The 
auto race. A rehearsal for the college play. "They say the cheild 
is in London." Betty and Jonquil visit the college. "I thought you 
were my long-lost darling baby!" Jonquil and Booties each think 
the other deaf. Kicked out of college. "Get married and settle 
down!" Booties introduces his first little wife. 

Act II. — Suite of rooms in Honeymoon Flats. The Benbows 
entertain. Salamanca Spivins, the black wash-lady, on a rampage. 
"Booties, pay the lady what j'ou owe her." "Pay her yourself, 
you're my wife." "He's done gone and married a man!" Booties 
at work on his patent air brake. Fleurette, the lady from gay 
Paree. Salamanca returns with Riley, the cop. Booties introduces 
his second little wife. A little tea party. The suffragette parade. 
The jealous Mrs. McCann makes it hot for Sandy. "How many 
wives have you?" "He's joined the Mormons and hath taken unto 
himself two wives, and they're both suffragettes." 

Act III. — Same as Act II. Booties tries to explain. "The doc- 
tor positively forbids me to kiss anyone; it's not good for my 
complexion." Mr. Benbow begins to be suspicious. Riley, the 
cop, becomes a detective. "Not one penny of my money will ever 
come his way." "My wife. Flora McFlimsy." Jonquil and Betty 
get wise. "I'm awfully glad you're not married. Booties." Riley, 
disguised as a Freshman, gets the third degree. A trip to the 
moon. Mr. Gears offers Booties five thousand dollars for his in- 
vention. Booties becomes a student once again. The third little 
wife. 

All on a Summer's Day 

By LINDSEY BARBEE 

Price, 15 Cents 

Comedy; 4 males, 6 females. Time, 40 minutes. A newly 
married couple, at a summer hotel, who wish to disguise the 
fact that they are bride and groom, so overplay the part that 
they are mistaken for a pair of clever thieves, who have recently 
been operating in that section. It is full of action and the porch 
gossips supply the comedy. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



Civil Service 

By WALTER BEN HARE 

Price, 25 Cents 

Drama in 3 acts; 6 males, 5 females. Time, 2% hours. Scene: 
1 interior. Characters: Old R. F. D., character lead. Inspector, 
Postmaster. Young Money Order Clerk. Mailing- Clerk. Country 
Boy. Postmaster's Daughter, Lady of Importance. Hired Girl, 
character soubrette. A Collector. The Plucky Little Stamp Clerk, 
leading lady. 

It depicts the joys and sorrows, the heartaches and struggles 
and temptations of a small group of government employes work- 
ing in a postofflce in a small city in the middle west. A play 
With a punch with many a laugh — an occasional tear. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — The work room of the postofflce. Octavia's birth- 
day. Steve Audaine in debt. Old R. F. D. rides thirteen miles 
through the snow. "Old Bess ain't what you'd call a reindeer, 
but she's a good, faithful animile." Goldie Wex, the new substitute 
from the country. Steve in trouble with the collector. "You can't 
force me into the hands of the loan-sharks; I'd rather lose my 
job." A lady of importance, Mrs. T. R. Jeffs. Steve yields to 
temptation. R. F. D. tells the dramatic story of his life in prison. 
The little stamp clerk comes home, "My laddie, my laddie! My 
dream is over!" 

Act II. — A half holiday. The postmaster's daughter announces 
her engagement. "I have risked my reputation to gratify her 
slightest desire." The letter for Ira Troutman, Esq, A little 
homestead in Montana. "There never was a cloud yet too dark 
to have a silver lining." R. F. D.. the comforter. Goldie's lady 
friend, Miss Birdie Bivins, who works out. The postofflce inspec- 
tor. Goldie in the toils of the law. "You lie, Steve Audaine, you 
stole that hundred dollars!" The sacrifice of R. F. D. 

Act III. — The next morning. Birdie and Goldie looking for a 
license. "We don't want a dog license; we want a wedding 
license." The inspector and the plucky little stamp clerk, Kate 
is suspected of robbing the mails. Steve finds his father, Kate 
appeals to Mrs. Jeffs. "Would you send an old soldier to prison 
for life?" Mrs. Jeffs sees her duty and does it. "The sun is 
shining on a new life, and we'll all be together, me and my boy 
and my little princess." 

Teacher, Kin I Go Home? 

By HARRY L. NEWTON 

Price, 15 Cents 
A rural school episode; 7 males, 3 females. Time, about 35 
minutes. Scene: A country school room. Characters: Hezekiah 
Quackenbush, the teacher. Mose Doolittle, the janitor. Pat Clancy, 
a school director. Gus Sweitzer, anotlier. Hi Grass, a town se- 
lectman. Harold Green, the nice boy. Willie White, the bad boy. 
Ethel Grey, the pretty pupil. Betty Brown, the homely pupil, 
Martha Crabapple, a suffragette. The cast is elastic and more 
characters may easily be introduced. Drills, recitations, etc. can 
be added according to the talent available. A humorous bit o± 
school life direct from Grass Center, Vermont. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



The Press-Agent's Handbook 

By FREDERICK G. JOHNSON. 

Price, 25 Cents 

How to advertise a play. Designed primarily for the use of 
dramatic clubs and other groups of amateur entertainers. The in- 
formation is clearly and concisely presented. Fine-spun, untried 
theories have been studiously avoided. The material is largely 
the direct result of experience gained by a practical advertising 
man in promoting the publicity for many amateur entertainments, 
and his financial success has been the best testimonial for the 
value of the advice given in this book. 

CONTENTS. 
Chapter I. — The Need of a Press-Agent. 

The Press-Agent Is Responsible — Duty of the Press-Agent — 
Wasting Ammunition — "Learning the Ropes" in Advance. 
Chapter II. — Selecting the Press-Agent. 

Experience not Essential — Newspaper Training of Value — 
General Requirements. 
Chapter III. — Advertising Mediums. 

Handbills— Window Cards — Posters and Billboards — News- 
paper Advertising — Hand-made Posters — Personal Work. 
Chapter IV. — The Newspaper Campaign. 

Make Friends — Business First — How Much Appropriation? — 
A Small Town Advantage — Use All Newspapers — Live up to 
the Agreement — Getting Acquainted — Exclusive Notices — De- 
velop Gradually — The Final Week — Depends on Circumstances— 
Country Weeklies — Expressing Appreciation. 
Chapter V. — Preparing News Copy. 

Readers Must Contain News — Preparation Important — Ex- 
change of Service — Novelty the Keynote — "New" and "Exclu- 
sive" — Don't Be Offended — Preparing News Copy — Each Notice 
Complete — Carbon Copies — Length of Notices — Best Kind of 
Material — Human Interest Most Important. 
Chapter VI. — Preparing Advertising Copy. 

Simplicity the Keynote — Good Taste a Requisite — Saving 
Space — Using a Model — Size of Type — Newspaper Instructions — 
Teaser Campaign — Hints on Posters. 
Chapter VII. — The Outdoor Campaign. 

For the Small Town — Teasers — Follow Up — Posters — Hand- 
bills — Personal Work. 
Chapter VIII. — Novel Advertising Stunts. 

Hand-made Window Cards — The Float — Scenic Float — The 
Parade — Street Car Hangers. 
Chapter IX. — Ticket Schemes. 

Various Methods — On Sale at Stores — Solicitation by Mail — 
Why It Is Not Advised — Personal Disposal — Selling by Districts 
— Sale by the Players — Insist on Cash Sales — When Prices Are 
Scaled — Reserved Seats — Advance Sale — Sale by Contest — Com- 
plimentary Tickets — Passes for Newspapers — When to Give 
Passes — Copy for Tickets. 
Chapter X. — Programs. 

A Regular Formula — A Model Program — Musical Plays — 
Clearness and Accuracy — Printing Programs — How Many to 
Print — Program Advertising. 
Chapter XI. — Specimen Press Notices. 

Brief Opening Notice — More Elaborate Opening Notice — 
First Follow-Up — Second Follow-Up — Third Follow-Up — 
Fourth Follow-Up— Fifth Follow-Up— Very Short Reader— To 
Be Used Just Before Date of Performance — Humorous Advance 
Notice. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Given 



Winning Widow, 2 acts, IK hrs. 

(25c) 2 4 

Women Who Did, 1 hr. . . (25c) 17 
Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 

FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 

All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. -4 6 

April Fools, 30 min j^. 3 

Assessor, The, 10 min ?. 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 
Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 

Billy's Mishap, 20 min 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 
Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 
Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 

Couritry Justice, 15 min 8 

Cow 'that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 

Divided Attentions, 35 min 1 4 

Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min.... 4 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min.... 4 
For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 
Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 
Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 
Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min.. 12 
Hans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 
I'm Not Mesilf at All. 25 min. 3 2 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 
Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 
Is the Editor In? 20 min... 4 2 
Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mike Donovan's Courtship, 15 m. 1 3 
Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 
Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 
Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 

My Wife's Relations, 1 hr 4 6 

Not a Man in the House, 40 m. • 5 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 
Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min. 6 3 

Regular Fix, 35 min 6 4 

Second Childhood, IS min 2 2 

Shadows, 35 min 2 2 

Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 
Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 
Taming a Tiger, 30 min...... 3 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 

Those Red Envelopes, 25 min. 4 
Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 

Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 
Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 
Two Ghosts in White, 20 min. . 8 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake,, 20 min.. 3 2 
Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 
Wanted a Hero, 20 min 1 1 



Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

Yan|:ee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MON- 
OLOGUES. ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. 

Ax'in' Her Father, 25 min.... 2 3 
Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.lO 
Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 

Cold Finish, 15 min .•••• ^ 

Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 
Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 

Coming Champion, 20 min 2 

Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m. 14 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 

Darktown Fire Brigade, 25 min. 10 

Doings of a Dude, 20 min 2 

Dutch Cocktail, 20 min 2 

For Reform, 20 min 4 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min . . 2 
Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. 1 
Good Mornin' Judge, 35 min.. 9 

Her Hero, 20 min 1 

Hey, Rube ! 1 5 min 1 

Home Run, 15 min I 

Jumbo Juni, 30 min 4 

Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 

Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 

Memphis Mose, 25 min S 

Mischievous Nigger, 25 min . . 4 

Mistaken Miss, 20 min 1 

Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min 1 

Oh, Doctor! 30 min 1 6 2 

One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 
Oshkosh Next Week, 20 min.. 4 

Oyster Stew, 10 min... 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10m. 1 

Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 

Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 35 min. 2 2 
Prof. Black's Funnygraph, 15 m. 6 

Sham Doctor, 10 min 4 2 

Si and I, 15 min i 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Stage Struck Darky, 10 min.. 2 1 
Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress. 20 min. 1 1 
Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 
Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 

Umbrella Mender, 15 min 2 

Uncle Jeff, 25 min 5 2 

What Happened to Hannah, 15m. 1 1 



A srreat number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are listed in 

Denison's Catalogue 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers,154 W. Randolph St. i Chica£o 



POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT BOOKS 

Price, Illustrated Paper Covers, 30 cents each 




IN this Series 
are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 
A Partial List 

DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Country School Dialogues. 

Brand new, original. 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 50,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous. Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
IVIerry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Original successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
D/ialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous IVIonoiogues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original.' 



Monologues Grave and Gay. 

Dramatic and humorous. 
Scrap- Book Recitations. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, 
poetry. 15 Nos., per No. 25c 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Sunday Schools. 

Dialogues, exercises, recitations. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Private Theatricals. 

How to put on plays. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings, 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black American Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland,via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jok^s, gags , etc. 

Laree Illustrated Cataloeue Free 



T.S. DEN ISON & COM PANY, Publishers,154 W. Randolph St. , Chicago 



